Back To Work Blues

Despite my efforts to ignore it, the day I was dreading finally came-- the end of my maternity leave. After 17 weeks home with the family, I was finally forced to face the reality that I still had to work for a living. We can't all be Paris Hilton. (Thank God, but still, you get my point.)

These details of my first day back will henceforth be known as my prison diary.

June 8: Day 1 in Prison
Adam wakes up to eat at 5 am. I then shower and start getting ready for work. This is depressing enough, as I used to be able to sleep in. Waaa for me.

Sometime around 6:30 Josie wakes up. I go in to get her and she is looking at me strangely. Finally, she says "you're not wearing your glasses..." Its true, my contacts are in, make up is on and I'm clearly not ready to cuddle and watch cartoons like usual. I tell her I am going to work today, then leave the room to go cry.

Somehow I managed to finish getting ready and even feed Adam one more time before my friend Rosie comes to pick me up. She has offered to carpool this week so I can have some moral support. When she calls to say she is downstairs, I feel outright panic. I try to make leaving quick and painless and dash out the door. I am sobbing by the time I hit the street.

Rosie does her best to cheer me up, and we finally get to work. When I get to my office, its like time has stood still! Since I abruptly quit working to go on bedrest, I still have phone messages scribbled and laying on my desk. My sweater is hanging over my chair. Its a little creepy!

The day goes quickly. I show everyone from my friends to the homeless people on the street my pictures of Adam. I don't cry-- until its time to pump. Then I realize I won't be feeding my little man during the day anymore. Cry, cry, cry.

Finally the end of the day! I am finally released from my day-stint in prison! I get home and run up the stairs crying. Josie is exploding with excitement to see me, and I can't stop hugging her. After bedtime I realize I have to repeat this routine not only tomorrow, but 5 days a week for the rest of time. I spend the night sobbing until Russ makes me go to bed.

The rest of the week went at times agonizingly slow, and other times quickly. Of course, on Wednesday I forgot my pump at home and my boobs nearly exploded. The worst part was watching Josie's confusion grow more every day. It was like "okay, you can be gone one day." But as she woke up to me getting ready every morning, she didn't like it. When I told her I was going to work again, she would say "oh. Okay, Mommy" and then just sit there with her head down looking sad. It was so heartbreaking!

All of this just makes me that much more grateful for the absolute GIFT of my maternity leave. Although its been miserable being away from everyone, I feel like this was a stolen season that I will never forget. Now I just hope going to work can get easier!