Whistlin' Dixon

Last weekend the Johnson family embarked on an all day drive to Iowa to visit relatives. Josie was a trooper in the car, but we still needed to stop occasionally to let her run around. Which led us to the portal to hell known as the McDonald's in Dixon, IL.

Everyone knows that McDonald's is scary. But this was like no other. This is where the SuperNanny rejects go to die. We walked in, went to the playland and were instantly emerged in mass chaos. There were a collection of women with some children and it never became clear which child belonged to which parent. All women were free to yell and threaten any one of them. One woman in a Budweiser t-shirt was having a tug-of-war with two kids over a highchair. The boy, probably 5, was dressed in a dirty dalmatian costume with scabs on his face and was pulling on one side of a highchair he wanted a ride in (logically). The 3 year old girl was dressed in a dirty grey sweatsuit, three sizes too small at least, with a black crown on the front that and the word "Princess" in gothic lettering. Her role was to scream and wipe snot on her sleeve. Around that time a few other kids started crying, three girls came out of the tube slide at once and hurt themselves, therefore also crying, and a few more women yelled at other kids to shut up.

Every child was covered in snot, ketchup, and actual streaks of dirt. Russ and I were covered in disgust. Josie said "What the F$&%?!" (Well, that was the gist of it at least.)

Josie was freaked out so I went with her into an area where you could throw balls into hoops and baskets. In two seconds I had kids all over me. I literally had a kid attached to each leg and another wanting to be picked up. The dirty dalmatian guy was showing me some kind of half-baked handstand and the other ketchup kids were competing for my attention. I felt like frickin' Kris Kringle with the world's children on my knees. Only this was kind of sad because it was so obvious they had had so little attention from their parents that anyone that talked to them would do. I played with the kids for a half hour and no parent even seemed to notice. Apparently there is no stranger danger in McDonald's play land.

In the meantime, Russ was watching, totally weirded out, from our table. A little girl with hair that had never been washed or brushed was near him playing with blocks and singing "I turn around, I touch the ground, and I wiggle it! Just a little bit!" She repeated this about 100 times while she was playing. Ooh, the next American Idol!

When it was time to go I anticipated Josie would cry because she didn't want to get in the car. But instead several of the ketchup kids started to cry. They wanted me to stay with them. It was sad and creepy--- and snot covered. My sympathy only goes so far. I wanted to get the hell out of there and dunk Josie in a container of bleach. Maybe this is why those mothers are so dedicated to their Budweisers. And why I don't live in Dixon.

Josie Glamour Shots- Best of December 2007

Because I have been sorely lacking in Josie photos lately, here are a collection of pictures from December for you all to enjoy.

Josie rocked the full snow suit for her first day of snow! Unfortunately we bought a size bigger so she could grow into it, which translates to her being barely able to walk. The perfect pink snowman!

Josie and her entourage--- She was really into all the ribbons that came with presents from Auntie Heather. She made us put ribbons on all her guys, then requested we take this picture. Not in picture: Russ and Gena also covered in ribbons.

My personal favorite-- Josie's love of Beethoven moves out of the stuffed animal realm and onto the actual piano. Her new favorite is to sit on my lap while we play songs.

This is why I hate dentists

Last month I had one of the worst days ever. I had to go the dentist. Long story short, I hadn't been in a while and I had to have a filling replaced. Whatever. So I made an appointment to come in one day after work. Running a little late, I found myself driving in circles outside the dentist's office without time to find a decent parking place. I finally found a spot 6 blocks away and at a meter. I recently created a resolution to stop spending money on coffee, so had taken to scrounging for change to pay for it with coins. (Everyone knows paying for things in change doesn't count as spending real money, right?) Just that morning I'd enjoyed a delicious vanilla latte but now I had no quarters for the meter. But the appointment won't take that long, right? I'm going for it!
I got to my appointment and the dentist assured me the procedure would only take a few minutes. He gave me my first Novocaine injection and we settled into awkward small talk. Hate the appointment already. Hate dentists, hate injections, and hate small talk. After a few minutes he was ready to get going. But when he started poking around I could still feel everything. Figuring he must not have gone deep enough, he gave me another shot. A few more minutes passed by and he started drilling.... but I could still feel everything! He gave me a total of 5 Novocaine shots but for some reason the nerve would not get numb. I was numb from my hairline to my shoulder with a squinty eye like Quasi Modo. But I felt everything as he dug out my old filling, drilled a new hole and refilled it. Finally I went outside, biting a piece of cotton to keep from chewing my tongue and what did I find on my car? A parking ticket!
I could not stand for this string of injustice! I should not have to endure a parking ticket after what I'd been through, even if I'd never put any quarters in the meter. Who cares if the ticket was only $10!
So I did what anyone would do--- contested the ticket! I went online to plead my case. Your honor, its not my fault, the appointment was so terrible, you have to feel bad enough for me to not make me pay this ticket.
I submitted it and awaited vindication. Evanston, known for being a town where bowling is illegal, could not also be super sticklers about tickets, could they?
Um, yes, apparently they can. Today I got the results and, low and behold, I did not get vindicated. I thought I would totally have that $10 back to spend on more coffee. But apparently Evanston felt strongly that I should have yet another reason to hate the dentist.

Ho Ho Huh?

This year Josie became like every other child in America--- obsessed with Santa. Every night before bed she would say "ho ho ho?" as in "is this the night?" She was loving it!

I couldn't wait for the classic Santa pictures this year. But Russ was diabolically opposed to waiting in a line at the mall to have our picture taken with some weirdo in a beard. So when I saw that Santa was coming to downtown Evanston I was thrilled.

We showed up to see him near the end of the day hoping all the psycho moms would be gone and the line would be short. But it wasn't exactly short... more like non-existant. And it wasn't exactly Santa's village. In this bizarre scenerio, Santa was set up in the elevator lobby of the parking lot next to Barnes and Noble.

We walked through the doors and Josie was beside herself with excitement yelling "ho ho ho!!!" and, like us, looking for her favorite fat man. But, the entire hall was empty and we were accosted by a blaring security alarm. A disgruntled employee explained that someone had bumped into an exit sign and they couldn't figure out how to turn off the alarm. Oh, and Santa was on break and would be back soon.

When Santa emerged Josie's excitement vanished. Apparently in Josie's world, Santa is only cool in theory. He broke out into some awesome ho-ho-ho's, but she would still not go anywhere near him. We said "Josie, what do you want to tell Santa?" She said "please?" At least she has excellent manners!

After 10 awkward, ear-piercing minutes, Josie would have nothing to do with Santa's lap. So I picked her up and we took a weird picture with me and Santa smiling, and Josie looking like she was about to shoot out of a canon. They gave us a bag of muffler shop and tanning salon coupons and we headed out the door. Josie turned around for one last goodbye, just as Santa answered his cell phone saying "yeah, we're getting outta here early." Ah, the spirit of Christmas.

I'm not going anywhere near that guy.

If I ignore you, you will go away. And what's with that f-ing alarm?