Paint It Black!

Josie sees a red door and she wants to paint it black. No colors anymore, she wants everything to be black. At least in her Barney coloring book. Should I be worried that Josie will only color with her black crayon? She has a whole box of colors and she refuses to use them. And to make it even weirder, she is really into eye color right now. So when she starts coloring, she wants to color the eyes... the end result would make a child pyschologist drool. On every page are cheesy dinosaurs with their eyes blacked out, and sometimes even their mouths. Then, adding to the weirdness, Russ and Josie made me a Valentine for Valentine's Day. Russ used pink construction paper to cut out some hearts and wrote "Happy Valentine's Day, Mommy!" in red. Josie then drew all over it in black. Is Josie ahead of her time with a statement representing a desire for freedom from manufactured holidays? Or is she the world's first goth two year old?

I don't see the point

I wanted some hot chocolate this morning but all I had was white hot chocolate left over from Christmas. I attempted a few drinks and realized it had kind of a coconut thing going on and was frankly not nearly as appetizing as regular hot chocolate. I made a mental note of not seeing the point of white chocolate. It doesn't taste like anything but creamy sugar. If I am going to invest in the calories, I might as well enjoy the taste of actual chocolate. Which led me to make a list of things for which I do not see the point:

1. White Chocolate

2. New kinds of pop- Why are Coke and Pepsi always coming out with new kinds of cola? My Dad helped me understand Coke Zero, but now they have a coke with vitamins? Is this to improve super model scurvy rates?

3. Extra huge rolls of toilet paper- is it really that hard to change the roll? This is turning into the 5-6-7-8-9- blade razor contest. Now they even have to sell roll extenders.

4. Rumer Willis- She's starting to think she's a hollywood starlet. But let me break it to you easy- she is heinous.

Get me home before I #$%^&*#@$%^!!!!

I have just completed the worst, most complicated travel experience of my life. Let me break it down for you.

Friday, February 1:

Beginning this crusade was a two day trip to Iowa for my Grandfather's super sad funeral. On Thursday, Russ and I drove back to Illinois in a blizzard causing our three hour drive to take more than 6. Waking up in Sycamore on Friday, we had to turn around quickly to head home. I have plane tickets for a previously scheduled trip to Minneapolis. Its hectic, but I'm excited to see Mona and Josie is all about airplanes so its actually kind of fun.

Saturday: Super fun day with Mona and her new baby, Andrew! We capture their first kiss on film. Really great day and hardly any arguing about politics with her Bush-backer hubby, Jon.
Sunday: Josie and I head to a day with Plank relatives at Jane's house. Its so fun, I am miserable when its time to leave for the airport to go home.

4:00: Arrive at Minneapolis airport with Josie. I make my way through ridiculous security. They force Josie to put Pooh through the xray thing and even have her take her shoes off and walk through the metal detector. She is suspected of being a terrorist.

4:30: Dang! My flight is delayed 45 minutes! Some problem with not having the right pilot. Whatever, Josie and I walk around checking out the airport scene.

5:30: Time to board! We'll be home soon!

6:30: After sitting on the plane for an hour and doing nothing, the airline tells us the flight has randomly been CANCELLED. They kick us off and tell us to rebook the flight. Apparenty they still couldn't find a pilot.

7:15: Hooray, maybe this isn't too bad, we got on another flight right away. We take off and head to Midway. Can't wait to see Russ! The flight attendants are giving us updates on the Superbowl.

8:15: Flight attendants, prepare for landing. I can see Midway out the window! Hooray!

8:20: What's happening? Why are we not landing? A flight attendant comes over the loudspeaker and says "Bad news, folks. The weather has gotten bad and the visibility is down to zero. We have to turn around and fly back to Minneapolis." I choke on my gum. This has to be a joke, right?

9:30: Um, no, its not a joke, because here I am getting off the plane in Minneapolis exactly where I started 6 hours before. Only this time the airline has lost my stroller and my luggage. They finally find my stroller but by the time I can get to the ticket counter there are no more flights scheduled until tomorrow. I have to call my Dad, but he doesn't answer because he's at a superbowl party. I am now stranded and living like the people on Lost!

10:00 pm: I finally get a hold of my Dad and he is coming to get me at the airport. The airline has lost my carseat as well, so I ride in the backseat of my Dad's car with Josie in my lap hoping we don't go over a bridge or something.

11:00 pm: We get home and I put Josie in one of MaryBeth's shrunken t-shirts for sleep. Josie is screaming and freaking out. Where am I, what's up with this t-shirt, who is this MaryBeth character, and why am I not at home. We sleep together that night. Josie wakes up every couple of hours to make sure I am still there.

Monday:

8:00 am: Wake up and assess the damage. Schedule a new flight. My Dad goes to buy Josie some extra diapers.

10:45 am: Head for the airport for another attempt. My Dad helps me and tries to talk security into letting him come wait at the gate with me, but I am not disabled so they kick him out. We say good bye and it is not until I reach the gate that the computer tells me my flight is cancelled AGAIN. I call my Dad as fast as I can so he doesn't leave the airport with out his two vagabond ladies.

All day we watch the computer as flight after flight is cancelled. All in all 6 flights I was scheduled to take home are cancelled. I talk to Russ and he tells me that more bad weather is coming to Chicago, and if I can't get home today I might be stuck in Minneapolis until Thursday! In mid-afternoon, another snow storm also hits Minneapolis.

10:40 pm: We head to the airport in the fluke chance we might actually get home on this red-eye flight. The northwest employees seem doubtful. But they board the plane and we are heading out. 10 minutes before we land, they say something about needing to circle the airport because they can't land due to fog. I experience acid flash backs and start sweating. But suddenly, we are on the ground and home!

By Wednesday I am back at work. Besides waiting another day for my luggage and enduring a 4-hour power outage on Tuesday night (a vast Republican conspiracy to keep people from voting on Super Tuesday), its almost like things are back to normal. I can't wait to fly again!

Whistlin' Dixon

Last weekend the Johnson family embarked on an all day drive to Iowa to visit relatives. Josie was a trooper in the car, but we still needed to stop occasionally to let her run around. Which led us to the portal to hell known as the McDonald's in Dixon, IL.

Everyone knows that McDonald's is scary. But this was like no other. This is where the SuperNanny rejects go to die. We walked in, went to the playland and were instantly emerged in mass chaos. There were a collection of women with some children and it never became clear which child belonged to which parent. All women were free to yell and threaten any one of them. One woman in a Budweiser t-shirt was having a tug-of-war with two kids over a highchair. The boy, probably 5, was dressed in a dirty dalmatian costume with scabs on his face and was pulling on one side of a highchair he wanted a ride in (logically). The 3 year old girl was dressed in a dirty grey sweatsuit, three sizes too small at least, with a black crown on the front that and the word "Princess" in gothic lettering. Her role was to scream and wipe snot on her sleeve. Around that time a few other kids started crying, three girls came out of the tube slide at once and hurt themselves, therefore also crying, and a few more women yelled at other kids to shut up.

Every child was covered in snot, ketchup, and actual streaks of dirt. Russ and I were covered in disgust. Josie said "What the F$&%?!" (Well, that was the gist of it at least.)

Josie was freaked out so I went with her into an area where you could throw balls into hoops and baskets. In two seconds I had kids all over me. I literally had a kid attached to each leg and another wanting to be picked up. The dirty dalmatian guy was showing me some kind of half-baked handstand and the other ketchup kids were competing for my attention. I felt like frickin' Kris Kringle with the world's children on my knees. Only this was kind of sad because it was so obvious they had had so little attention from their parents that anyone that talked to them would do. I played with the kids for a half hour and no parent even seemed to notice. Apparently there is no stranger danger in McDonald's play land.

In the meantime, Russ was watching, totally weirded out, from our table. A little girl with hair that had never been washed or brushed was near him playing with blocks and singing "I turn around, I touch the ground, and I wiggle it! Just a little bit!" She repeated this about 100 times while she was playing. Ooh, the next American Idol!

When it was time to go I anticipated Josie would cry because she didn't want to get in the car. But instead several of the ketchup kids started to cry. They wanted me to stay with them. It was sad and creepy--- and snot covered. My sympathy only goes so far. I wanted to get the hell out of there and dunk Josie in a container of bleach. Maybe this is why those mothers are so dedicated to their Budweisers. And why I don't live in Dixon.

Josie Glamour Shots- Best of December 2007

Because I have been sorely lacking in Josie photos lately, here are a collection of pictures from December for you all to enjoy.

Josie rocked the full snow suit for her first day of snow! Unfortunately we bought a size bigger so she could grow into it, which translates to her being barely able to walk. The perfect pink snowman!

Josie and her entourage--- She was really into all the ribbons that came with presents from Auntie Heather. She made us put ribbons on all her guys, then requested we take this picture. Not in picture: Russ and Gena also covered in ribbons.

My personal favorite-- Josie's love of Beethoven moves out of the stuffed animal realm and onto the actual piano. Her new favorite is to sit on my lap while we play songs.

This is why I hate dentists

Last month I had one of the worst days ever. I had to go the dentist. Long story short, I hadn't been in a while and I had to have a filling replaced. Whatever. So I made an appointment to come in one day after work. Running a little late, I found myself driving in circles outside the dentist's office without time to find a decent parking place. I finally found a spot 6 blocks away and at a meter. I recently created a resolution to stop spending money on coffee, so had taken to scrounging for change to pay for it with coins. (Everyone knows paying for things in change doesn't count as spending real money, right?) Just that morning I'd enjoyed a delicious vanilla latte but now I had no quarters for the meter. But the appointment won't take that long, right? I'm going for it!
I got to my appointment and the dentist assured me the procedure would only take a few minutes. He gave me my first Novocaine injection and we settled into awkward small talk. Hate the appointment already. Hate dentists, hate injections, and hate small talk. After a few minutes he was ready to get going. But when he started poking around I could still feel everything. Figuring he must not have gone deep enough, he gave me another shot. A few more minutes passed by and he started drilling.... but I could still feel everything! He gave me a total of 5 Novocaine shots but for some reason the nerve would not get numb. I was numb from my hairline to my shoulder with a squinty eye like Quasi Modo. But I felt everything as he dug out my old filling, drilled a new hole and refilled it. Finally I went outside, biting a piece of cotton to keep from chewing my tongue and what did I find on my car? A parking ticket!
I could not stand for this string of injustice! I should not have to endure a parking ticket after what I'd been through, even if I'd never put any quarters in the meter. Who cares if the ticket was only $10!
So I did what anyone would do--- contested the ticket! I went online to plead my case. Your honor, its not my fault, the appointment was so terrible, you have to feel bad enough for me to not make me pay this ticket.
I submitted it and awaited vindication. Evanston, known for being a town where bowling is illegal, could not also be super sticklers about tickets, could they?
Um, yes, apparently they can. Today I got the results and, low and behold, I did not get vindicated. I thought I would totally have that $10 back to spend on more coffee. But apparently Evanston felt strongly that I should have yet another reason to hate the dentist.

Ho Ho Huh?

This year Josie became like every other child in America--- obsessed with Santa. Every night before bed she would say "ho ho ho?" as in "is this the night?" She was loving it!

I couldn't wait for the classic Santa pictures this year. But Russ was diabolically opposed to waiting in a line at the mall to have our picture taken with some weirdo in a beard. So when I saw that Santa was coming to downtown Evanston I was thrilled.

We showed up to see him near the end of the day hoping all the psycho moms would be gone and the line would be short. But it wasn't exactly short... more like non-existant. And it wasn't exactly Santa's village. In this bizarre scenerio, Santa was set up in the elevator lobby of the parking lot next to Barnes and Noble.

We walked through the doors and Josie was beside herself with excitement yelling "ho ho ho!!!" and, like us, looking for her favorite fat man. But, the entire hall was empty and we were accosted by a blaring security alarm. A disgruntled employee explained that someone had bumped into an exit sign and they couldn't figure out how to turn off the alarm. Oh, and Santa was on break and would be back soon.

When Santa emerged Josie's excitement vanished. Apparently in Josie's world, Santa is only cool in theory. He broke out into some awesome ho-ho-ho's, but she would still not go anywhere near him. We said "Josie, what do you want to tell Santa?" She said "please?" At least she has excellent manners!

After 10 awkward, ear-piercing minutes, Josie would have nothing to do with Santa's lap. So I picked her up and we took a weird picture with me and Santa smiling, and Josie looking like she was about to shoot out of a canon. They gave us a bag of muffler shop and tanning salon coupons and we headed out the door. Josie turned around for one last goodbye, just as Santa answered his cell phone saying "yeah, we're getting outta here early." Ah, the spirit of Christmas.

I'm not going anywhere near that guy.

If I ignore you, you will go away. And what's with that f-ing alarm?